A Breastfeeding Story

There are many things people don't tell you about motherhood. I suspect this is because the list is long and looks different for each mother and child and for a new mum, it wouldn't necessarily be helpful to know all the ways in which your life is about to change. One thing that I certainly didn't expect was that breastfeeding isn't as easy as it appears. Breastfeeding is a skill. I breastfed Leo for 6 weeks before switching to formula.

When you give birth it can take a few days for your milk to come in but what your body is producing in the interim (colostrum) is still beneficial for your baby and your encouraged to feed on demand basically until you and baby find your own breastfeeding rhythm. So, I totally thought it was normal that Leo fed almost constantly for the first six weeks of his life. If Joel hadn't had time off, I wouldn't have eaten in the first two weeks of our being home, that's how stuck to the couch with Leo feeding I was.

It wasn't until Leo's 4 week check-up with the Child Health Nurse that there was a suspicion my supply was low. After birth babies are supposed to roughly put on about 200g per week and by 4 weeks, Leo had only put on 180g. I can remember cheering when Lucy said Leo had put on weight, having no idea that he should have put on nearly 4 times as much. After being asked a few questions about our breastfeeding routine and how my breasts felt, Lucy said she suspected my supply was low and offered some advice as to how to improve it.

When I look back now it's so obvious I had supply issues; my milk never came in, I was never engorged, I never had a let down and Leo still looked like a newborn weeks after the fact but at the time, I didn't know any better. After Leo's 4 week appointment, there began two weeks of taking blessed thistle and fenugreek tablets, pumping after every feed (and then some), breast massage, waking up in the middle of the night to offer the breast even if Leo hadn't woken for it and tracking all of the above.

I saw the most minuscule increase in my supply. At this stage I was seeing Lucy weekly and Leo still wasn't putting on anywhere near as much weight as he should have been. Because the Easter weekend was coming up and we were going to be in Brisbane it meant I was going to miss a weeks appointment with Lucy. She didn't mind so long as I was there first thing the following week. I was especially looking forward to Easter that year as the Midnight Paschal Liturgy on Holy Saturday was to be the first service I attended after giving birth, and Leo's first ever service, in keeping with the Orthodox practise of (roughly) 40 days of confinement. It was also going to be a time to enjoy the company (and extra help) of family. I will be forever grateful that whenever Joel and I experienced any difficult firsts and unknowns with Leo, we always had family close by.

It was Holy Friday and Joel was out attending the Lamentations service while Leo and I were at my parent's house. I was nearing two weeks of trying to boost my supply with little improvement and Leo was due for his early evening feed. Within a minute of him latching though, Leo was off and crying. He latched again, suckled for a little then came off again crying. I offered the other breast and it was the same story. My Mum came in to check on us and I told her what was happening. I offered each breast again in turn but was met with the same outcome. Leo was getting hysterical by this stage. Mum suggested I try pumping which I did and that's when I realised why Leo was crying. I couldn't express a drop. There was nothing. I tried expressing using my hands with a gentle massage like Lucy had taught and that didn't work either. This was the first time I became genuinely stressed about feeding and stress will always decrease your supply so I did my best to try and calm myself and try everything again.

Nothing worked and what happened next remains a bit fuzzy because Leo and I were both distressed by this stage. I remember Mum taking Leo from me to try and calm him while I cried on the bed. I think she started struggling trying to keep Leo and I calm so she passed Leo to my brother and tried to comfort me while also directing my Dad to find an all night chemist from which to buy formula and a bottle.

Somehow, my brother managed to calm Leo and Mum calmed me so the house found some temporary quiet. I messaged Joel asking him to hurry home and eventually my Dad arrived home with formula and a bottle. Mum made it up and then gave it to me to offer to Leo. I will always remember walking out to the lounge room where Leo sat with my brother and bursting into tears. There was my little boy lying quietly in his Uncle's arms, despite his hunger, still looking at his mumma with love. He guzzled his bottle and we had an extra long cuddle that night while we waited for Daddy to come home.

Over the weekend, I continued to breastfeed and pump, only giving Leo a bottle during the Paschal Liturgy as I knew I couldn't handle a repeat of the previous night, especially during our first Church service together. We came home on the Sunday afternoon and I was undecided about how I would feed Leo; keep breastfeeding, supplement or switch to formula and allow my supply to dry up.

By lunchtime Monday, I'd made up my mind but it took a few days before I really felt secure in my decision. It was nearing 9:30 on Monday morning and Leo was getting restless for another feed, his fourth since 6 o'clock. I was exhausted and thought I'd offer him a bottle and just see how he went.

Well, Leo took a bottle at 9:30 and did not want for anything until 12:30, 3 hours later.  For the first time since he was born, I was actually able to do more with Leo than feed him. He had some tummy time, we hung out on the bed, I was able to leave him in his bassinet and make a cup of tea without him crying. It was amazing. I remember being stunned at the immediate change in Leo. His hunger finally satiated.

The way to move forward became clear. I supplemented Leo's feeds until our next appointment where I explained what had happened over the weekend and that because I'd seen no increase in my supply, I wanted to move Leo to formula full-time. I was nervous about my appointment that day and went fully prepared with the reasons behind my decision; anticipating I'd be met with opposition as there can sometimes be a subtle, "every mother can breastfeed, you just didn't try hard enough" mentality underscoring the conversation.

Fortunately, I was never made to feel like a failure, no one ever implied that I hadn't tried hard enough and my decision to formula-feed was met with respect and optimism. I was given advice about formula feeding and told what to expect as my supply dried up. I went back to Lucy two weeks later, Leo having been formula-fed that entire time and he had exploded! In two weeks he'd packed on nearly 600g! Further proof that what my body was producing had never been enough. Leo kept packing on the weight and quickly lost his gaunt newborn look. As a family, we didn't look back. We'd finally found our groove. Whenever I've had to describe that time (and lately, it's been a lot), I've often said that it felt like the clouds had parted and I didn't even know it had been cloudy.

Since having Leo and falling pregnant with Littlest, I've met other women who have experienced supply issues or recommended such things as lactation biscuits, tea and smoothies which helped increase their supply at one time or another. All of which I now have packed in my hospital bag. While I have no idea what to expect breastfeeding second time round (sometimes women who struggle to breastfeed one child have no trouble breastfeeding a second, so there's hope for me yet), I feel far more informed and equipped and than I did previously. Personally, I'm not interested in taking pharmaceutical drugs to gain a supply but am more than happy to try every other natural remedy available and if I find myself in the same position again, or if maintaining a supply with so much assistance proves to be too much, then I will switch to formula knowing that I tried my best.

In the months to come I'm sure I'll let you know how Littlest and I go navigating breastfeeding together.

Currently, your guess is as good as mine.